Once upon a time I was a happy, healthy person who was surrounded by wonderful friends. 20 years later I find myself completely alone, unable and afraid to connect with other people, and becoming increasingly bitter and resentful.

I have a chemical imbalance that has left me prone to clinical depressive episodes. This current extremely low mood that I am in happened as the result of a very difficult employment situation. I pissed off my supervisor because I had challenged the status quo of the department. Specifically, there were illegal things going on in the department–things that could lead to the death or injury of hospital patients. I raised concerns about these issues, first to my supervisor and then to an outside department. The illegal activities were discovered and immediately addressed. But as a result, my supervisor rode me so hard that I eventually had an emotional break down. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital. She fired me the day I was discharged from the unit. That was nearly a month and half ago. People who were friendly to me where I used to work now won’t even return an email. There is this guy, Tim Chamberlain, who I worked with… I sent him an email and he responded “Tom, do not ever attempt to contact again.” I hadn’t done anything to him. But that old queen just thought he’d take the opportunity to be petty and bitchy. I hope he reads this and realizes that his words were very, very hurtful–that if his intentions were to make me feel awful and hate myself, then he succeeded. I don’t know why there are truly hateful people out there who get joy out of intentionally hurting others. And to think that he’s a “helping professional” who is supposed to be above such behavior.

Anybody who reads this must think, “why don’t you get a lawyer? they can’t fire you over this.” Do you know how difficult it is to find an attorney? Every one of them is interested in one thing–money. That’s all. They either want a huge retainer ($10,000 or higher), or they brush you off by saying, “according to what you say and the records you have, you would have a pretty strong case, but the pay-off in the end isn’t really worth the effort that our firm would put into it.”

I would love to have my job back. I have filed complaints with several state and federal programs. They only take your case if you have proof that illegal activity occurred–which I do have. Even so, these programs are highly bureaucratic and take months before you see any results.

In the mean time I cannot stop thinking that maybe it’s time for me to just end things. Maybe my time on earth has come to an end and I should just take myself out of it. I’ve promised myself that I won’t kill myself–but I can’t help thinking that it is the only solution to this problem.

I spend day after day alone and afraid to go out and meet other people. Thank God I have one friend who is really helpful and supportive. My family, largely, likes to point out that my problems are the result of my “evil lifestyle” (i.e. being gay) and don’t want to become involved.

On the upside, I have recently discovered an hilarious persona, Betty Butterfield (go to Google video and search for her). She is hysterical and I’ve been able to divert a lot of my sadness and depression by watching her little clips over and over.

Well, that’s part of my story. I’ll add more later…